Was it all a dream?

I’m not gonna lie, coming back from this dream trip is hard. Reality is ‘reality-ing’, and I’m having difficulties staying light and positive.

I wonder if, by choosing to come to this life, we knew that this was going to be a part of the deal: that emotional dark place or as some may call it: depression. Am I one of the few ‘lucky’ ones? Or is the majority also dealing with this? This state is nothing new to me. I’ve struggled with it for years. And for a while I thought I had pushed through hard enough for it to leave my life for good. But, Surprise! Here we are again.

A way to describe it is the feeling of a dark and heavy veil on my head. It makes me feel heavy and empty at the same time. While my body feels mostly tired, my head doesn’t have the energy to do anything either. And honestly, this veil also blocks my vision for the future off. (Or is this just how everybody feels when autumn arrives and the days get darker?)

I broke down crying a few times today. I have a lot on my plate and my stomach can’t digest all these to-do’s nor the emotional baggage that they come with. But I did come to a point where I even stopped to wonder why I feel sad. It could be a lot of things. But like I said, my head is too tired, so I just let the emotions be. The only thing I could do was to slow my pace down and do the minimum.

So here we are, slowing down in the best way possible: by writing down my thoughts and feelings. It’s something that has helped me so much for so many years already. It gives my mind the ease of funnelling just one train of thoughts instead of trying to think for 2,3 or 4 people in one. It helps me ground and take out the weeds that are trying to grow in this luscious, juicy mental garden of mine. It gives me strength, because whenever I’m done bitching about what isn’t going as I had planned, an inner voice arrives and gives me the pep talk I need.

I guess the main reason why I’m not feeling at my best is because I’m missing this new version of Naomi. A Naomi that I got to know while walking the streets of New York. She gave me shivers over my whole body! One day she surprised me with how bold she could be. The other day about how much fun she could have. She also showed me how inspired she could get and how inspirational she could be. Her joy felt so incredibly good. And it’s a joy I haven’t experienced somewhere else before.

Yes, this does sound awfully romantic. (I just re-read that) But aren’t we all a bit hungry for some romance these days? Some of you might think I’m a dreamer. That I’m naïve. That, of course, it was a holiday, what did I expect? But I’ve had longer periods abroad before, and I could always remember a lingering of that dark and gloomy veil.

So, my dearest Naomi, hereby: I, Naomi Jajor, declare to put my all into making that dream come true. Together, we'll find a way to have longer periods of joy in the land of the free. Times are tough, but you are tougher. If you put your mind to it, I’m pretty sure you can do it. (And I’m aware I’m using quotes here, but I have no clue where they came from. Sorry!)

Until next time!

Love, Numi