The Purge

Hello, my dears. I know it’s been a while, but I needed some time to get back into my groove and find some structure and purpose in life again. You see, I’m a person who spends a lot of time on her own. That’s how I process life—especially when things aren’t going so great. I’ve been self-employed for two years now, but the creative burnout is real. Even though I loved making all my clothes, selling them and being confident about what I make is still something I struggle with a lot. My inner saboteur can be very present, and having this little window into the rest of the world (read: a smartphone)—seeing all these talented people—makes me want to crawl back under a rock and pretend I don’t exist.

Luckily, my writer's itch is here again, and with the softer energy fall is giving us, I'm feeling less judgmental towards myself. Glimmers of fun and laughter are weaving my days together. So, what do I wish to tell you today? Well, if you’ve been watching my stories on IG or have been in touch with me briefly in the past few weeks, you know that I have one mission at the moment: moving my ass to New York. In my head, the plan is very clear. One important step for me: getting rid of all my belongings.

I’ve never really lived in one place longer than two years since I was 21, but still, one tends to keep a lot of stuff that they actually don't really need. And to be honest with myself, I never really liked tending to all this stuff either. Is that what they call compulsive behavior? Clearing out the closets (and boxes) made me realize how much stuff I bought quite mindlessly—though I mean that more as ‘heartlessly’. It showed how much I was ‘OK’ with whatever came my way, even though these objects don’t really reflect a choice that truly came from me. They don’t spark any joy, as Marie Kondo taught us. And so, moving forward in life, I am totally ready to start anew. I want to get rid of everything.

My loves, I’ve hit rock bottom. I have tried to be independent. I’ve tried to prove myself, trying to do everything on my own. But I failed. Well, I don’t like to use this word, but financially, I’m ‘kaputt’. Something went wrong, and all my money is gone. And I’m not even mad about it. That's just life, I guess. So this leaves me with a lot of moral questions. It’s pushing me to review my values and my principles. It’s making me reflect on who I really am and what I truly believe. And this situation gave me the perfect push to purge not only my closets, but pieces of my identity too.

Don't get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of moments of being restless, of stressing out whenever a bill would arrive in my mailbox. I had to humble myself and ask for help from my mother, which my ego didn’t like at all. I had to go and fake being interested in jobs that I absolutely despise. But when in need, there is no way around it. Rent is due at the end of the month, and I’m not willing to live on the streets just yet. But what point is there in worrying? When energy is scarce, we just need to focus on the things we can control, and take action where we see opportunities. My inner saboteur and I love doubting everything about me: Am I not doing enough? Should I punish myself more by restricting myself? Should I even go and visit my friends or go to my favorite chai latte place? Am I overpricing my services? My clothes? Am I really supposed to be doing this? What is my talent? What is my passion? What am I doing wrong?

I know, I’m spiraling. Let’s stop. And breathe.

If you know me a little bit, you know that I always look for the deeper meaning of things. (Because why else would we be living this ridiculous life?) What is the lesson to learn here? Is it really the crumbling of my entire past? Of my identity? Is this the lowest point of my life? Will it only get better from now on? “The only way is up, baby,” I hear playing in the back of my mind. Gosh, I would really love to get the answers, but I’ve managed to calm my titties and just stare into the darkness, trusting the light will appear at some point. Maybe there isn’t a right answer to these questions. Maybe the lesson is to just accept what is. I’ve always been a fighter, a tough soldier, like my dad would’ve wanted. But maybe now it’s time to slow down. To be still and to be attentive to what happens inside me when I go about my days. Where is my body feeling at ease? Where and when do I feel a smile on my face during my weekly activities? Who inspires me and sparks my joy, and who drains my energy? And maybe I should be more curious and act on those crazy ideas that pop up in my head, seeing what lies on the other side of that.

What I need in my life right now is discernment. To slow down, to be present. Asking myself whether the situation I’m in is aligned with who I am and where I want to go. It also seems to be the only thing I can still control. Because if I choose to be fully present—connected to both my heart and my mind—I collect information. And maybe the universe does, too. When chaos takes over, going through all the nuances might just be the answer to untangling and dissolving the knotted ball of yarn life can sometimes become.

Anyway, to end this episode of mental farts.

I’ve come to a point where I really DO wish to leave all of the past behind. It served me well. It gave me exactly what I needed in life to become who I am today, and I truly LOVE this person. She’s quirky, but she has a good heart. She’s an oddball sometimes, but she tries her best. She can be grumpy at times, but this is not a permanent state. She is caring, and she knows her boundaries better now. She’s still learning to trust people and to receive love. She’s still finding her way on how to communicate whatever is going on inside of her, balancing whether it’s beneficial or not for the relationship. She’s still scared to open up to people who are in front of her, with a fear that she might hurt them by being herself. But life is giving short and sweet opportunities to handle these things in a better way.

This September is giving a new energy.
New creativity.
New chances and new dances.
I’m here for it.
Let’s fucking go.